Dialogue with Infertility

**This was an assignment in my writing course. It was fun. Interesting what IF had to say**

Me: I’m usually not rude, but you suck.
Infertility: It’s not me, it’s you.
Me: What about me? What did I do to deserve this?
Infertility: I never said you deserved it.
Me: Why don’t you ever visit teenagers? Or crackheads?
Infertility: I do. You just never know about it.
Me: Ok. So back to me. Can you tell me how to get rid of you?
Infertility: Probably not, but I’ll try. Have you seen a specialist yet?
Me: No. But I’m only 28. I thought I’d give myself another year or 2 and I really like my OB/GYN. She’s been doing some things.
Infertility: Like what?
Me: She put me on clomid. Seems to be working. Well, I have the appropriate response, but of the 5x on it I’ve been pregnant once.
Infertility: Wait a minute. Why do I suck if you got pregnant?
Me: I lost it.
Infertility: Sorry.
Me: Twice. Well, really three. Had one chemical pregnancy and 2 tubal.
Infertility: Chemicals are my favorite. No one usually knows about those. Aunt Flow comes maybe a few days late and no one is the wiser.
Me: You’re an ass. I shouldn’t have known either, but can thank clearblue easy digital for that one. It said “PREGNANT” and my HCG blood level was only 6!?!
Infertility: Whoa!
Me: Yeah. After that, I stopped using digitals.
Infertility: You should stop testing so early, too.
Me: As soon as I get a positive that sticks, sure. I’m impatient by nature and no one will change that. Do NOT give me any b.s. about relaxing and don’t tell me to stop trying.
Infertility: I might be an ass, but I wouldn’t say that. I’m real and no amount of vacation sex will cure me. What else has your Dr. done?
Me: HSG. Hurt like a BITCH. Girls on my message boards said to expect period like cramps and to take a few ibuprofen before. HA! If I ever have to do that again, I’ll need pain killers or muscle relaxers.
Infertility: What did she find?
Me: A beautiful uterus with clear tubes. Oh the irony. Got pregnant a few days later too. Got stuck in my beautifully clear tube.
Infertility: Unfortunately there are only theories for why ectopics occur, unless it’s obvious, of course.
Me: Tell me about it. I search and search the internet only to see the same couple paragraphs over and over again. Causes: infection, obstruction of the tube, previous ectopic, blah, blah, blah.
Infertility: What about the other one?
Me: That was the 1st time. It was awesome. Eight months after we started trying. Did it au natual…with only BBT tracking and ovulation predictor kits.
Infertility: OPKs? You really are impatient. And a little controlling.
Me: I just wanted it to happen. I figured I’d need help since I’ve been on birth control for 10 years and never even had a scare. I knew a long time ago that you’d come for me.
Infertility: So, you got pregnant on your own after only 8 months. There’s plenty of reason to not be worried about me.
Me: Except 30 is around the corner. My eggs are running out. Even my disgustingly fertile mom had secondary infertility.
Infertility: Because of age.
Me: Willing to bet. She had 5 kids beginning at age 14, but took 3 years trying to have me. She was 30 when I was born.
Infertility: Are you so sure you want to stick it out another 2 years with this doc?
Me: No. But right now my only option is in-vitro and I can’t afford it. Planned on starting to save for it when I turned 30, but maybe I should start now?
Infertility: You don’t’ really know that’s your only option until you go to a specialist.
Me: But insurance doesn’t cover it.
Infertility: So, get a job if it’s so important to you.
Me: How did you know about that?
Infertility: I know a lot about you.
Me: I’d love a job working with you but the opportunities are so limited-especially since I have no medical background. What else do you know about me?
Infertility: That you are wasting your degree and you could have a better relationship with your husband.
Me: Ouch! First of all, I’m not qualified to do anything with my degree. I never should have majored in that to begin with. But who cares? I can go back to teaching. More importantly…Is that why you’re here? Because my marriage needs work.
Infertility: I’m just saying it can’t hurt.